College Outreach Luncheon Serves Alleged Food

Tuesday at 11: A local college ministry’s student outreach luncheon has been accused of serving food to a group of hungry students on campus.

Our correspondents interviewed students, who gave statements seeming to confirm the allegations.

“We heard there was a luncheon,” said one student, a freshman who commutes over 100 miles a day. “So we came. I’m hopeful that what we’re about to eat is indeed food.”

Another student said she lacks cooking equipment in her dorm and needed something to eat between her tightly-packed classes. “This is soup,” she said, between sips of the unsalted canned bean water, puckering her lips. It’s good. Really. I’m thankful. I’d be going hungry without it.”

The ministry director was quoted as saying, “Really? We thought we had made it perfectly clear that none of what we were serving was actual food or intended to be taken as such. We’re totally innocent. I mean, if we were claiming that any of this bilge was edible, that would be an insult to starving beggars. We weren’t sent here to feed people. Just look at our budget. All of this cost $5.37, including the napkins.”

Besides the alleged soup the outreach has also served technical tacos, purported potatoes, and so-called salad, which was observed by our reporters to contain a few leaves of iceberg lettuce.

Update: Allegations that the ministry was serving food without a permit have been dropped on the grounds that they were not serving food.

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